They got away with murder.

They assassinated my spirit. They slaughtered my character and massacred my heart. And I let them do it. I let them manipulate my mind to an unrecognizable state. I let them take advantage by “believing the best”, a ploy to keep you controlled.

Wreckage. Wreckage is what is left of those who have suffered heartbreak at the hands of another human being(s). People are capable of unspeakable things. We submit our hearts to people willingly with the naïve idea that they care as much about protecting you as you do them when in most cases this is untrue.

Inside most people is a resume full of life circumstances that have caused them to submit to a process of recovery and rebuilding. I often think to myself, how many times I might have been the cause of someone else’s heartbreak? Am I okay with being the villain in someone’s story? Am I okay with being the one to wreak havoc in someone’s life? My answer is typically no. Normal people don’t go around destroying other people.

In my most recent response to grief, my knee jerk reaction has been to shut it all down. The emotions I mean. Turn them off, like in the lore of vampires. Shut your humanity off and you don’t have to deal with grief or the passion or the guilt. Zero emotion, one hundred percent of the time. In my experience, the battle isn’t over when you take this approach. Once you shut it all down you begin a battle from the other side. What I mean from “the other side” is… when you are walking in agreement with the spirit of God, you are constantly fighting off sin and the urges that lead us into it. For example, I worked tirelessly to cultivate a woman who was patient, generous, controlled and peaceful. The fruit of the spirit, right? Walking as that woman, I had to constantly fight against sexual urges, road rage, drinking, cursing and the list goes on and on. On the other side, with your emotions and humanity shoved to the back, we find ourselves battling a very different foe. In my hardness of heart I have to fight the urge to smile at people in public (which I used to enjoy). I have to fight the urge to be kind and gentle and loving, acts that naturally attempt to flow out of me. Those urges don’t just go away because we choose to act outside our emotions. I find it tiring trying to fight against the natural parts of me that experience deep empathy and love for people. Giving into my emotions and urges to be vulnerable makes me a target though, for now. Not interested. In the end, we usually circle back around to this version of ourselves that existed before the grief and when we do, the things we shut out in the grieving process come back with a vengeance asking to be experienced.

Whether we’re fighting off sin and shame or love and empathy, we are still expelling energy towards one foe or another (however you see it). I guess it comes down to choosing which war you want to be a part of and how minimal you’d like the wreckage to be once your battle is over.

Which side are you fighting against presently and who is helping you exactly where you are?

-M

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